Before I talk about my reflections, I want to address that for the purpose of this topic I will begin with a simple assumption: we either have free choice or we have compatibilism/soft determinism. In the early 19th century, near the time of Bridgerton and Pride & Prejudice, lived Søren Kierkegaard, a Danish philosopher, who wrote a very famous book called Either/Or. He argues the following:

“Marry, and you will regret it; don’t marry, you will also regret it; marry or don’t marry, you will regret it either way. Laugh at the world’s foolishness, you will regret it; weep over it, you will regret that too;”

Kierkegaard argues that instead of wondering how to avoid regret after making a choice, we need to reflect, before making the choice, which regret can we live with.

This concept is not forgotten, as you’ll see it in most rom-coms or contemporary romance novel. You know that moment where the main character decides to break things off only to realize that the alternative, that is, being without the other person, leads to more regret and that being with person A may make them regret certain things, but being without person A will make them regret even more. That’s what Kierkegaard concluded as well.

So, how do you make a choice when presented with two mutually exclusive options A and B? Before we talk about making a choice please: DO NOT TAKE option C, that is making no choice at all. Any choice is better than the absence of choice. Speaking from experience that’s the worst one because you will end up regretting both A and B and it’s no fun. Right! So how do you choose?

Well, if I can try both A and B, I will try them and decide. If I can’t try A and try B, I use Stoicism and make the choice that feels like the right thing to do. It’s not what makes me happy. It’s not what makes me happy or suffer less. It’s the one that brings the most good. It’s 99.99% of the time the correct one, because no matter what happens I can then rest on the fact that I made the right choice from a Stoic perspective.

The Stoics have something called an Archer metaphor. As an archer, I can choose the best bow, string it perfectly and shoot with absolute focus. Once I release it anything can happen. A gust of wind or anything that’s external can make me miss. Success is not about hitting the bullseye. Success is not about hitting the bullseye. It’s about doing everything I can to shoot well. Success isn’t about accomplishing the goal. It’s about the journey towards accomplishing the goal.

The Stoic choice, where my metric is my character, is my fail-safe in all impossible choices. What about cases where I can try A and B? If I can try A and B, then I will know that I’ve made the right choice when I am happy with it, whether anyone sees my choice or not without any need for any need for external validation. It actually clarifies things more than muddying the waters.

Now, what if there’s a conflict between virtues: justice or truth versus love, kindness or loyalty. I want to say that I’m always going to choose justice and fairness above anything else, but I am human and I know that I will choose love over anything and everything. Why? Because when I choose love I make a choice that I will be happy with, regardless of external validation. It’s the Stoic choice. It’s what the Greeks called happiness, or “Eudaimonia”.

So when presented with a hard choice, if possible, try both avenues to see which feels better. If that’s wrong in itself or impossible and you can only choose one, then reflect and choose the one that feels right. You will regret the option you did not choose anyways, so choose what feels right. By choosing based on your internal compass you are not just making a choice. You are defining who you are and changing who that is.

Kierkegaard’s regret will become irrelevant because when you made the choice based on your internal compass you grew. You will no longer recognize the version of “you” that would have made a different choice and, the regret, the ghost of a life you never lived, won’t matter anymore.

I mentioned earlier about avoiding option C or the absence of choice? What if you always choose no choice? What do you do when you always end up in analysis-paralysis? That can happen and this just means you will have to grow, because you do not know yourself enough to make a choice. So, spend some time reflecting about one’s self and what is important to you. Make it so that option C was actually a call to action for you to get to know yourself and grow, but that’s a story for another time.